We often have couples making enquires about couples therapy, asking varied questions and at times with some ambivalence about whether therapy will work for their relationship.
It is expected that there would be some apprehension regarding whether or not therapy could work for a couple who have struggled for many years with the same problems, never feeling as though there is any progress.
The Gottman institute has researched how long couples take to book couples therapy, once they realise there is a problem in their relationship. The finding was it takes 7 years! That’s 7 years of trying to sort the problem out on their own before seeking professional help.
During this time both partners will usually report having tried everything to fix the problem and at times this means they have tried to fix their partner. With both parties spending considerable time tackling the issue in different ways it’s no wonder there is a feeling of hopelessness about ever getting this relationship back on track.
Some questions frequently asked include, ‘How does couples therapy work?’, ‘How do I know if it will help my relationship, I’m worried it won’t work for us?’, and ‘I think my partner has a mental health disorder, can therapy still work for us?’.
Couples therapy is helpful for a relationship as it involves a trained psychologist looking at the relationship from the outside, without bias, or emotion, to see what is causing the relationship problems, from an individual and couple perspective.
Your therapist not only understands the principles of what makes a relationship work and is looking for the parts of the relationship that are not working, but is also looking at each individual and what parts of the individual are also contributing to the relationship problem.
In this sense the couples therapist has 3 roles, individual therapist for both parties and couples therapist. It’s no wonder most psychologists shy away from couples therapy, as there is a lot to be mindful of in a couples therapy session. However, for the trained couples therapist they have refined their skills to manage this complex interplay of confounding factors and likely enjoy the complexity of working along side you and your partner to solve this complex problem.
With this being said, the couples therapist will use skills from a proven couples modality to identify areas of the relationship not working and help you to not only understand these areas but to also develop the skills to make changes here. Knowledge of individual therapy is used to address issues on an individual level.
With all therapy there are multiple factors that contribute to therapy ‘working’ for an individual or couple. It is important to be vulnerable and open about the problems you’re facing, knowing all psychologists are bound by confidentiality agreements so you can be confident the things you share will remain with only you and your psychologist. Secondly, putting in place the strategies discussed in your session will ensure you make the changes needed and therefore enable you to overcome the problems you were seeking to manage by attending therapy. In couples therapy both partners need to be willing to take ownership of their part to play in the conflict and make the changes recommended.
While it might be the case that your partner has a diagnosable mental health condition and this might be impacting on your relationship, it usually isn’t something that would prevent the couple from benefiting from therapy. Something that is often not very well known, is the impact of a poor relationship dynamic on the mental health of a partner/s and at times addressing this can result in the individual suspected as having a mental health diagnosis actually being able to recover from it.
If you have been thinking about couples therapy for a while, why not make a start on your couples therapy journey and call us today on 0479 149 277.